I have a confession to make. I am not a trained counselor with diplomas hanging on the wall… But I do have the advantage of:
- 25 years of a good (not always easy) marriage
- 4 great (definitely not always perfect) kids
- a great God (He holds all the answers anyway) and lots of books!
I hope to share some of what I have learned along the way because…Life’s Better Here
Parenting children
July 30, 2009
I was having a conversation with my youngest son this morning. He is currently 10 years old and, being the youngest has always had this mentality that he was the same age as his older siblings. This is not the case. In reality he is 5-10 years younger than they are. In discussing the fact that he was not as grown up as they were, I found myself speaking the most amazing bits of parenting wisdom! Not wanting to have these tidbits lost, I will pass them on to you.
It all started with brushing teeth. He has had the hardest time this summer getting those teeth brushed twice a day. Life is just too busy for him and he has gotten out of the habit. In his forgetfulness I have had to remind him twice daily of his lack. He has NOT liked this one bit and was complaining that he did not like me treating him like a baby. In the sermon that followed I came to the conclusion that habits are those things that we do on a consistent basis without being told. When he develops the habit of brushing his teeth, he will not need a mom to make or remind him. This means that he has ‘grown up’.
So ‘growing up’ all comes down to habits.
Have you ever met someone that has grown up physically but still acts like a child? They have not developed the ‘habits’ that cause them to ‘grow up’.
One of my biggest jobs as a parent is to instill good habits in my children. The hope is that these habits will become so ingrained in them that when they become adults they will do them without thinking. Things like brushing teeth, picking up their clothes, eating breakfast, changing underwear (or in some cases wearing underwear!). Believe me, their spouses will thank you profusely for these habits.
There are other habits that will have even greater impact. Things like…saying sorry and admitting fault, going to church and considering others.
Habits are formed by repetition. Doing them over and over. Someone once said that if you do something 21 times it becomes a habit. I think it might take more than that. In any case I have to keep my kids on a consistent track towards those things I want them to be in the habit of doing. I can’t get angry, instead keep the consistency, throw in rewards and consequences and keep on doing it.
Habits. It’s what the Word is talking about when the writer of Proverbs tells us to train up a child in the way that they should go and they will not depart from it.
Grooming habits, Godly habits, relational habits, personal growth habits all need to be instilled. Bad habits must be extinguished and in the end we will have children that grow up, not only physically but emotionally, relationally and spiritually.
Keep your parenting consistent. Keep your kids living consistently and they will develop the habits that will mature them.
April 17, 2009
Parenting teens out of self-centeredness
As the mother of four very busy, active human beings, I find myself giving the “life is not all about you” sermon quite a bit. If left to themselves, our teens can turn into pretty self-absorbed people. Well….Ok, if left to ourselves, ANY of us can become self-absorbed! There is the ever-present push for the newest “stuff”, the incredible need for status and the continual message to run and play. Pulling them out of themselves by getting them to live for God and serving others will definitely put them in the win column. We as parents have the important job to teach our teens the importance and actual joy of keeping God and others out there in front of themselves.
God has got to be #1
The concept of God in our world forces us to live outside of ourselves. God is THE most important thing to instill in your teen for success in life. To keep God #1 in your teen’s life means God has to be #1 in your life. Your own personal submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ has an uncanny way of bleeding over into your teen’s life. Parenting always seems to start with the parent. Attending church regularly is a great way to be sure that the family as a whole keeps God #1 and other priorities following in line. Making sure that worship is more important than yard work, recreation and self-indulgence is critical. There is nothing better than your teens watching you praise God during worship, listening and take notes on the sermon and then finally watch you bow your heart and sometimes a knee to God’s wisdom. Even when we’re on vacation, we always look for a church to attend. It has often been the highlight the kids refer back to. All the way from the small country churches in Montana, where we were probably the only visitors they had seen all year, to mega churches in L.A., where we weren’t even noticed. Lots of fun to laugh about, a great way to be thankful for our own church and an unforgettable way to show that God is #1 even on vacation!
Serving in your local church can really help keep God #1 as well. My kids all teach in the children’s classes at church and also help out in other ministries. You might be thinking to yourself, “They are the pastors so of course their kids are involved, they have to be!” They don’t have to be involved. They have seen our passion for the house of God and have taken it on themselves.
Others have got to be #2
At our house, chores are not meant to be fair. Fair means, “I’ve got mine and you’ve got yours and I am not doing one thing more than what’s fair.” No, chores at our house are a team effort to make our household work. The list needs to get done and we all pitch in and help each other out. One week I may have to do more because you have something going on, but I know you’ll help me out when I’ve got something going on. This is where that sermon on” life is not all about you” comes in real handy. The other night it was the typical after dinner moment where anyone who didn’t help make the dinner had to help clean up. It is amazing the excuses that suddenly popped up. “I have soooo much homework” or “Gotta go to go to the game and it starts in 30 minutes.” This particular time, they all wanted to walk away from the kitchen. After a bit of tension, they finally came up with “I’ll do extra next time” from one and an, “Ok, I’ll cover you this time” from the other.
Another way to help our teens keep “others focused” is to stay involved in helping the poor and less fortunate. We have a strong outreach program at our church. We have always included our teens in going out in to the low income housing projects and doing any other outreach type projects that get them out of our neighborhood and into the lives of those who don’t have much. This keeps them mindful of other socio-economical situations and helps them to be thankful for what they have. It’s all great stuff.
Living a life outside of ourselves is always a challenge. God and others do not always come first in a teenager’s though process. Just because teenage self-centeredness is “normal” or to be expected doesn’t mean we should accept it! Let’s do everything we can to help our teens think outside their box. Pull them out of their world and show them a bigger picture. Life lived for Christ and for others is far more fulfilling and far more enjoyable than self-absorption!
April 3, 2009
Teens and the media
I will never forget the day the first ipod walked through the door and into our family. My daughter was a freshman in high school. I guess these things had been around for a bit because she had been begging for one for a year. I have to admit – I did not get it, what was so bad about that walkman cd player I had gotten her back in Junior High? Never mind the thing skipped when you touched it, the lid had a propensity to pop open and that ever present, always misplaced CD holder….. We finally relented and bought her an ipod – a used one off of craigslist. Why spend big money on what could be a passing fad? I can’t help it if my genetics predispose me to a bit of skepticism. We were the last one on the block to get a microwave, the second to the last one’s to get a PC, the third to the last one’s to get cell phones and my mom just got her ears pierced last year – she is 82! We get there – it just takes us a while!
I remember the days when music came from the family stereo cabinet in the living room, complete with a am/fm radio and a turntable. The entire household had to listen to the same music and our parents had the ability to monitor everything. I do have to confess there was a time in my life when, as my mom began leaving me at home alone, that I would sneak over and tune in the local secular music station. I would be so nervous that I would sit at the window to watch for her return and then dash over to reset the station to her favorite one. The first time I did this I made the horrible mistake of not checking exactly which station that was!
Things are different today. Our family can be in the same car and never know what the person next to us is listening to. I suppose we could go a very long time and not know what each other is listening to. This can be a blessing – I am sure my music could potentially drive those cute little teeny-boppers crazy! But it can also be a curse – our kids could be listening to a lot of music that could be negative and detrimental.
We can’t turn back time on technology so our goal has to be a healthy, positive, involved approach to our teens and their music. This is no time for fear-based parenting or ‘avoid it and it will go away’ parenting. The authoritarian thing may work on the outside but my question is always what’s going on when I am not looking or shall we say listening? Instead, we must capture our teens heart, bringing timeless Biblical truths into today’s culture.
Capturing our teens hearts…
This is your starting point in being able to handle and direct your teen’s behavior. Holding their heart means that they trust me and my love for them. They are able to talk to me and share not only facts but feelings as well. This is not an easy place to get to. There are times that my teens share openly and candidly about all sorts of things. Then there are other times they seem to be closed off and superficial, even testy. This is normal. But the goal for our teens is not normal, it’s to be far above normal! My place as a parent is to show my interest in them, listen without judgment, love them unconditionally, believe in their ability to make right choices and the amazing future that is in front of them. The key here is to do this when there is no issue at hand. When things are good grab them and hug them, if they will let you! Speak life into them. Play with them – get down where they are and interact with them. Be sure not to lose your ‘cool’ though – embarrassment is a huge issue to our kids so be careful to not make that fatal mistake!!!
… bringing them timeless Biblical truths…
We always have to keep in mind the difference between preference and truth. In many churches, especially 50 years ago, electric guitars and drums were considered sinful. Right along with earrings, movie theaters and make-up. This was partly because sin was associated with these things, and rightly so. The problem was that we mixed fear and preference in with a bit of truth and we had a potential for a culturally irrelevant church with a lot of ‘rebellious’ members that we had to watch over! We have since found out that ‘movies’ are not sin. Some movie content breaks God’s laws and would be at the very least a terrible compromise of our Godly walk to take part in them. But other movies are great, inspiring us towards better things. The same is true in music. We have to instill basic biblical truth to discern what is sin, what is wrong influence and what we would just not prefer to listen to. Here are just a few key truths.
- Follow God and His righteousness and you will be blessed
‘Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord…..He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither, Whatever he does prospers. Psalms 1:1-3
We base a lot of our parenting on this truth. Great things come from obeying God. Does this song/artist obey God or does it encourage me to disobey God?
-Godliness brings life, evil brings death
‘The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God.’
A great measuring stick for entertainment of any type is if it leads to life, peace and an uplifted heart. On the other hand, does it encourage depression, anger, hatred or death.
-Your thoughts establish who you will become
‘Finally brothers, whatever is TRUE..PURE..LOVELY…ADMIRABLE… EXCELLENT… think on these things.’ Phillipians 4:8
Are the thoughts in this music going to lead me towards truth, purity and excellence?
…into today’s world.
We have to stay relevant. We have to know what gadgets our teens are into, how to use them and be able to check up on what they have loaded on their devices. My teens understand that I will ask them to show me their playlists at anytime. They are used to it and actually welcome the accountability. If your teen’s aren’t quite there yet – keep working on that heart thing. Keep bringing them to the Biblical truths that should govern their thoughts. Pray for them fervently that their hearts would desire right things.
Keep at it and you will win. Who knows, maybe the next time you see me I just might have those funny little ear things in so I can be listening to my latest playlist on my new whacham
March 23, 2009
Help – girls like my boys!!!!
Since the day my children were born, I always knew in the back of my head, there would come a day when they would grow up, fall in love and marry….someone else. Jasmine always insisted that she was going to marry her daddy. Each of the boys one by one had proposed to me, declaring their undying love for mom and their repulsion of all other girls. I loved it! They were so cute and sincere. I would always explain to them that they couldn’t marry us because we were already married…but it sure felt good to know where we ranked!
Some time later we were at the beach. As I sat visiting with my girlfriends, I began noticing this one girl in particular had her eye on one of my sons. She even went so far as to ask for his phone number. That was it, enough was enough! I had to intervene; after all last I heard I was his one true love. I marched over and interrupted their conversation, demanding to know where her mother was. She said with a bit of a lisp, ‘My Mom isn’t here but my daycare worker is over there’, pointing to a young man about 16 years old by the water. Yes, that made sense; Austin was only 4 at the time! ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘I’ll have to have word with him, why don’t you go find someone else to play with’. I went back to my chair with a gut-wrenching feeling that this was only the beginning.
I began facing the fact that my kids WOULD eventually grow up fall in love and marry someone else and that this IS a good thing. Call me too attached and I won’t deny it. I am glad to say however that I have progressed to the point that now I am looking forward to that day. How else am I to get grand babies out of this deal????
Yes our sweet darlings grow up and begin relating with the opposite sex. This can be an exciting time and yet scary for us as parents. We know all the roadside bombs out there that that could be potentially fatal. I hope this article helps you as a parent navigate this crazy time.
I feel that THE most important part of parenting our teens through to marriage is prayer. We have to rely on God to help guide and direct our teens.
‘And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.’ Eph 6:18 NIV
I believe that our teens would fall under the category of ’saints’, at least I am speaking that over my own! This verse encourages us to pray all kinds of prayers, all the time. God and His wonderful convicting Holy Spirit can be there when you are not. I pray very strongly for all four of my children that they would stay pure at all times. I also pray that if they are being tempted, I would come to know of it to be able to help them. So far, to my knowledge, it has worked. It has worked so well that my daughter has commented that she is afraid to do anything wrong because somehow I always find out!
We pray also for every relationship that they find themselves in. Every relationship has the potential to help prepare our teens for future relationships. Either through seeing what they DON’T want or getting a feel for what they DO want. Also, let’s not forget to pray for their future spouse. Pray that they are able to stay pure and protected as they prepare themselves to meet our children.
Secondly, we have to be strong in the communication suit. Any of you with elementary children – it is time to start talking! If you are open with your children, they will feel more open with you. Start by telling your stories. Everything from how you felt around the opposite sex at whatever age your son or daughter may be to some of the funny things you did. I love telling most embarrassing moments. They can laugh at you while at the same time relate to your awkwardness. There may come a time depending on the situation your teens finds themselves in that you will have opportunity to tell of your own sexual failings. I say this with great care. I believe that our failures can be our greatest assets when turned into testimonies.
‘They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony;’ Revelation 12:11NIV
They, the saints (you and me) overcame Satan and his plans through the forgiveness of sins through the blood of Jesus AND by the professing of their testimony! The sharing of the struggle, the failure, the repercussions and the following restoration can be very powerful in our teen’s lives. We have to be sure however that our failures don’t turn into, ‘If mom did it and got away with it, maybe I can too.’
Finally, we as parents need to set our teens up for success with the opposite sex. I could write a whole book on this subject. Success takes on many facets. In my opinion, a major foundation for success is that our teens would not be so emotionally needy that they compromise their beliefs for acceptance. We can do this a number of different ways. One way to strengthen them emotionally is to reinforce a positive self-image by loving them for who they are. If mothers affirm and begin to respect their sons as young men and fathers affirm and love their daughters as young women then they won’t be looking for this affirmation so much from their peers. Another important aspect is that they find success in who they are. We have always done everything possible to help our teens feel confident about themselves. All the way from helping my daughter feel good about her make-up to being sure our sons have what they need to lead in their peer group. Also, it seems that teens that are busy succeeding have less time to worry about their standing with their peers. Help them find their niche or talent and keep your teens pressing towards those goals. Whether it is athletics, academics, music or any other interest, keep ‘em busy!
Success also means that they do not enter into the relationship arena prematurely or too deeply that they are overcome with temptations. We do not necessarily encourage relationships at our house. I have been around parents (especially mothers) who are actually pressing their teens into relationships, planning dates for them and giving them advice. This is crazy and leads to far too much involvement way too early.
We as parents have an incredible opportunity to assist our teens as they enter into the realm of relationships and future marriage. At the same time please don’t forget that our teens do have a will of their own and sometimes they make wrong choices regardless of proactive parenting. This leads me back to my first point….PRAY! God’s grace and sustaining, keeping power is vital in this adventure! Cover your teen with prayer, love, affirmation, wisdom, guidance and help. In doing this our teens have a great platform to stand on to succeed relationally.
March 15, 2009
Marraige
How ‘submission’ works in this millennium!
Marriage is one of the oldest institutions in human history. Marriage is so integral to human survival while at the same time we live it everyday. So many of the basic issues you deal with today have been discussed time and time again down through the ages. Can you just see Mr. and Mrs. Cave-dweller discussing the family budget of arrowheads and beads or the fact that Mr. Cave-dweller always leaves his firs lying around instead of putting them back up on the hook!
The dates may have changed but the issues seem to be timeless and universal. One of those issues is submission.
I’m sorry but there are times when I am right and he is wrong!
A few years back my husband and I were home on a sunny Saturday morning. I had written out that proverbial ‘honey-do’ list. Dwain is famous for getting wrapped up in his own projects that aren’t all that important so I had to keep him focused (or so I thought). Sometimes I think that if it weren’t for me, he would be lost….
I had already hen-pecked him a bit that morning, and he was doing his best to keep me happy. He came in, turned on the water in the utility room sink to fill up his wash bucket and went back out to multi-task on that huge list I had given him. Sometimes multi-tasking can lead to problems. Sure enough he forgot about the water. I came in to find water overflowing all over the floor. I yelled for Dwain, ‘Get in here, you left the water on and it’s EVERYWHERE!’ He came running in and started cleaning up. I just kept right on telling him how he needed to pay better attention and stay on top of things. It felt so good to set him straight!
Unfortunately I couldn’t tell him all that was on my mind because I needed to get the kids in the van and get to a Dr.’s appointment. I rounded both of the children up and threw them in the minivan and backed out of the driveway. I was late by now and so I decided to multi-task as well. I needed to finish buckling my son into his car seat behind me while I drove up the street. As I was reaching back I thought for sure we had come to the corner so I went right ahead and turned…but I was a bit early. I smacked into the curb pretty hard. The kids went flying. I slammed on the brakes, quickly looked around to see if the neighbors or worse yet my husband had witnessed my reckless driving. Luckily no one had. I finished buckling in the kids, put it in reverse and drove off.
Funny thing though, the van kept insisting on turning right! I had to fight it to stay in my lane. I stopped and checked the tires. They were still inflated but one was turning right while the other one was straight. Oh brother! What to do??? The thought of returning home and admitting my mistake was excruciating! I tried to just go ahead and drive to the appointment regardless of wheel direction. I didn’t get very far before I knew I had to go back home. I went ahead and limped around the block, humbly got out and admitted my sin.
First off I apologized for being so bossy. Bottom line, I am not in charge of our house or of my husband. He is ultimately responsible for our family and for himself. Trying to micromanage my life as well as his is exhausting and painful for both of us.
Secondly, I apologized for my pride. I had become so sure that I was ‘all that’ and he was ‘not all that’! With this mind set, I tend to rise up and usurp his place, to put him down and talk negatively. At this point submitting to his needs, desires or decisions is completely out of the question!
Paul writes his infamous passage regarding successful marriage and the role of husband and wife in Ephesians 5:22-25 and the verses that follow.
‘Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body….Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her..’
God set this thing up with a very interesting give and take. Wives are to submit or yield to the leadership of their husbands and husbands are supposed to die to their own lives so that they can give life to their wives. It is wonderful when both sides are doing what God intended them to do. But when the other guy doesn’t play by the rules then it makes it exceedingly difficult to do your part!
So what is submission?
Submission is basically yielding to another. This can be very easy if your husband is right or has a better way to do things. BUT when I’m the one that is right, then things get hard. At this point we as women have a few choices. We can argue and press for our way. We can rebel and refuse to follow. We can make it very clear how stupid his way really is as we begrudgingly follow, or we can submit. Yield to what our husband’s decisions and leadership. Let me share a true story from our marriage
A few years back Dwain and I were building a house for our family. We were on a shoestring budget. My husband met an older gentleman who had just moved to the area and was planning to start a heating business. He made an offer to my husband that if we loaned him the money to get his license and bond that he would put a very extravagant heating system in our house for the price of only the parts. I was skeptical. When I met him the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I told my Dwain that it would be very unwise to enter into a business agreement with this man. Dwain disagreed. After all, I couldn’t prove anything. After much discussion he decided to go ahead with it. This decision was hard for me because it put us in a high risk situation. I was pregnant with our second child and wanted to get in that house!! I chose to yield to his decision and follow. The man ended up taking our money and not performing on the agreement. We were out the money and the job was stalled. My husband felt terrible! It cost us extra money and time and a lot of Dwain’s effort to get us out of that mess. At that point he needed me to stand by him and help him, not give him the, ‘I told you so’ routine!
At the beginning of this situation I KNEW I was right. I felt a lot of fear. If Dwain chose to go along with this guy – it affected our family a great deal. Everything inside me screamed ‘Rebel’! But I didn’t. Instead I made my point and allowed him to lead. When it was all over with, Dwain had a much higher regard for my ‘feelings’. I didn’t have to do a lot of ‘I told you so’, he was very humbled to say the least and respected me more for not taking advantage of my being right.
This all sounds so picture perfect, ‘if only you could be as good as me…(deep sigh)’ Pardon me while I laugh. I have done it wrong far more that I have done it right. I am a very strong, opinionated woman. I am also very smart (just ask me and I’ll tell you!). It is not easy for me to yield to someone else in any area of my life.
Unfortunately, I find our household is compromised whenever I rebel and refuse to yield. Unity and teamwork is so essential for our marriage and for parenting. When I insist on my agenda and usurp Dwain’s leadership, our unity and teamwork disintegrates. Strife and turmoil erupts between Dwain and I and even the kids feel free to enter in.
Here are some pointers to help you with submission:
1. Learn to share your opinion in such a way that motivates your husband to listen and consider it. If we communicate in such a way that demeans our husband or forces him to chose our way, we set up a power struggle. At this point humans in general tend to either dig their heels in and ‘win’ or yield in silent rebellion. Either way is not good for the relationship.
2. Be willing to allow him to lead. Sometimes there is more than one way to do things. If we quiet down and allow him to lead (even if it isn’t how we would do it), things will probably still get done and the relationship will be stronger for it.
3. By allowing him to lead we allow our husbands to shoulder the responsibility of the relationship. Girl, if you want to be in charge then that means you will be responsible everything! We all want our men to take the responsibility for the household so step aside and let him lead.
4. Be willing to let him fail. Your husband doesn’t want to fail but I promise you at some point he will. He has to know that he is safe with you when he succeeds and fails. We need to be there to pitch in to help put things back together in a kind way. Maybe next time he will be more apt to listen to you.
Submitting is not always the easiest thing to do but I will promise you it will pay off. Share your opinion and then simply back off, yield to your husband and let him lead. As he continues to grow in Christ and learns how to die daily to his own desires to provide for you, you’ll find that it all begins to work together.
Submission is not a scary thing…it is actually a place of security and strength for us as women! God can raise up your man to be an amazing leader and provider as you stand by him and believe in him, giving him the strength to step out and lead.
So come on Girlfriend, let’s stop pushing for our own way in our marriage. Let’s speak our opinion and then step back and allow our men to lead because… Lifes better here!
